Womb to Woman
PRESSURES OF WOMANHOOD & HEALTH
In a time where women around the world are continuously breaking barriers and shattering glass ceilings, it seems that making a decision about marriage and having children continues to be society’s biggest obsession with women’s lives. As a 26 year old young woman, the pressure to find a husband and have children is rising every day. Why do these expectations still exist and how do these pressures affect women’s overall health? I asked various women from different regions, ranging in age from 25-35, how they are navigating these life decisions, how these pressures affect their health, and what coping mechanisms they find useful.
LIMITATIONS ON MOTHERHOOD
Two large factors in making a decision about motherhood are financial and biological limitations. Business Insider reports that the average cost to give birth to a child without complications in the United States is $10,808 (2019). Many women can not afford this bill let alone the daycare and doctor visit costs that will follow. This financial responsibility may lead some women to decide not to become a mother, wait to become a mother when they feel more financially stable, or risk living in poverty and/or debt. Even for those who are privileged with financial resources, biological factors may prevent them from being able to conceive and modern technology does not always work.
The National Center for Biotechnology Information says that the pregnancy risks increase after the age of 35 (2016). Mayo Clinic states that after age 35, all pregnancies become high risk and are considered geriatric (2020). What if this was not true? What if women were able to have children well into old age at a low risk. Knowing that their “biological clock” is ticking causes many women stress and a feeling of unaccomplishment if they are not able to conceive a child before they are 35. Would this stress dissipate if age wasn’t a factor? In addition to age limitation, there are many women who have difficulties getting pregnant and others that do not have the option at all.. Societal pressures often leave women confused and alone in these experiences. We must protect these women and validate all the complex feelings and decisions that come with biological and financial limitations to child bearing.
CONSEQUENCES OF PRESSURE
Children are beautiful gifts to the world. For those who want this gift for themselves and feel prepared to take this step, they should be celebrated. For those who are unsure, or know that they do not want children, they should also be encouraged and celebrated. The tangible pressure to make decisions about motherhood creates anxiety, self doubt, depression, and relationship tensions. Instead of racing to find a spouse and give birth, women should be encouraged to take their time to heal from their traumas, discover and exercise their strengths, and build a community of support, understanding, and love. This work cultivates a strong identity and assists in finding one’s purpose which may or may not include children.
Some women are clear about their desire for motherhood and marriage, yet they still recieve doubts and pressure about their ability to handle the balance. A 25 year old living in Charlotte, NC has decided that she wants to continue working on her career goals, but is also ready to find her spouse and have children. “ ….When I say I want to start a family…people look at me funny. Most mention that I’ll suffer work wise or not accomplish my goals….” A 27 year old living in Brooklyn ,NY is a mother to a 7 year old and has been a wife for 8 years. She says, “it’s a struggle being married since you are 19 and holding space in your life for you in addition to your family and career”. Although at times it’s hard for her to keep a balance, she has raised an intelligent and loved young boy, dedicates time to her husband, and is currently working on a Doctoral degree. She is continuously growing both in her career and in her family life and is determined to “have it all” as this is her true desire.
I myself am unsure of motherhood. To this I’ve heard “ you think you won’t be a good mom?”, “you’re just vain and selfish”, “motherhood is why you were put on this earth”, and from my own mother, “how could you do that to me”. Hearing these comments are troublesome as they dismiss my process and decisions as trivial and foolish. A 28 year old woman living in New York City, says “ as someone who has been married for almost 4 years now with no intention to have kids, I find that it can sometimes be hard emotionally knowing that my mom or mother in law are sad about it. The pressure is very real and I'm almost constantly reminded of this expectation by family members. I want that bonding with my mom and mother-in-law in other things that they are seeking from me birthing grandchildren, but I don’t think there’s really a substitute that they would be able to connect with”. Often times loved ones put pressure on women due to their own anxiety about missing out on a life milestone (ie. grandparenthood). Yet such a large decision should not stem from someone else’s desire or anxiety. Women should be allowed to make these decisions for themselves and be trusted that they know themselves best, instead of facing judgement or being burdened by others’ opinions.
MANAGING THE ANXIETY
A 26 year old living in Washington, DC said “...I have the mindset that God knows I want a husband and child and he will bless me with that at some point in life… Each of us has reached a benchmark that one of us has not. I’ve just been decent at reminding myself that everyone is on their own path. You can admire how someone is building their path, but do not get distracted in building your own.” . A 25 year old living in Trinidad shared a book entitled “Millenial Mind” that reads “The feelings experienced in the quarter-life crisis are completely normal. They are just a normal part of growth...Accepting the grey area as just a part of life will alleviate a lot of anxiety. There is an ease that blankets you when you realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be”. (Daniel Francis, 2020) These words ring true for me. My health means I have to put myself first, set my own goals and boundaries, and do all of these at my own pace. We must create a community for ourselves that supports us in our own decision making without any hidden agendas. With this in place we are able to focus on our own growth and feel safe in the fact that we have all autonomy in our life decisions.
SIX STEPS TO ALLEVIATE THE ANXIETY
1. Create a safe and loving community for yourself.
Find a diverse community and learn how to call people in as well as how to be an ally to BIPOC with Dive in Well.
Find the healing powers of Rest with The Nap Ministry where they combine art, resistance, and community to fight against sleep deprivation and capitalism.
Join One Village Healing to access yoga, mediation, creative arts, reiki, and more. With free and pay what you can options, this community welcomes all to learn and practice living healthy and connected lives amidst systematic oppression and injustice.
2. If you have unhealed trauma that you feel is impeding you from progressing, address it with a therapist (that is a good match for you) once you feel safe.
Therapy for Black Girls provides individual and group therapy for Black women.
Inclusive Therapists allow clients to find perfect matches based on language, culture, and modality including psychotherapy, art therapy, and mindfulness techniques.
Use Psychology Today to seamlessly find a therapist based on insurance and location.
3. Remind yourself of what you HAVE accomplished and how far you have come in life.
Use these tips to get your gratitude journal started.
Get a mason jar (or any container) and for the duration of a year write down every accomplishment and add it to your jar. At the start of the new year, empty the jar and read out all of your accomplishments! Trust me you’ll be surprised at how much you have done.
4. Take your time to work on your strengths and reflect on what you want and do not want for your future.
Take this character strengths survey to learn what your unique strengths are.
Then read this detailed guide to learn how to utilize those strengths even more as well as strengthen some characteristics you would love to work on.
5. Set clear boundaries with yourself and those around you (and stick to them).
Here is an article that helped me start creating clearer boundaries.
This article contains helpful worksheets (if you’re that kind of a person) to help structure your boundary setting plans.
6. Have faith and consistently remind yourself that you are exactly where you should be at all times!
Final thoughts—for those who are loved ones of young women, try to shift from thinking of this person as solely their accomplishments/future accomplishments. Value the connection you have with that young woman and accept her and her decisions. Have empathy for her, especially when you may not understand her decisions, and remember that she is doing her absolute best. Hopefully by providing this support you can alleviate the pressure she is feeling and she will be able to make a clear decision about her future plans in a healthy environment.